Self Doubt - Part 1

Picture taken by FYS

It's come and goes.. It's never been easy..

Sometimes you just realise how much your worth and everything but like you flip a coin it can get down to the worst at anytime even in the little things or 1 word, you go break down and all the negative thoughts just come rushing through your mind and that's the last thing you want but also the hardest thing to deal with..

I know this is not exactly what people talk about even with some stranger that you even meet once or maybe sit next to you besides the public transportation.. I also know that this is not an easy subject either, rather it's a very sensitive and delicate subject for some people.. But sometimes, I don't know, I find it you can speak to stranger openly just maybe because you think you will never meet them again and just at the moment it seems right.. Even sometimes, they can give you some surprisingly another opinion that you might haven't thought about it before..

It's also the subject that I hardly heard in here, in my circle, my group of friend, my country or I just not looking for this subject (hahaha), regardless this topic actually just come to me when I want to eat my dinner today (March 23, 2021) and when I get this idea in my head I try to remember it or put it down on my notes in my phone.. I made this to just share a bit of my thought and maybe, just maybe it can help others or be there for you..

Self Doubt.. It literally happen anytime and every one has different trigger on it.. It either from losing someone, loving someone, competition, wealth, family, friends, and many things.. But you guys know what, the same thing is that it's actually just our own mind that lead us to make us do this things.. Our mind is so complex and yet we find ourself make it even more difficult to make our own life get tangled in it..

Yeah, yeah I know, you probably will say to me or to other that you think that they look more control in life, you can't say that.. It's hard you know.. You don't know how I deal with it, or are you even have it? Or yet are you even realize it? And this is where is everything collide, you can't make assumption just because you feel or you see someone from the outside.. We can't judge them too.. You don't want to be judge too, so don't think you know them, who know they just pretend to be okay on the outside but actually they already shattered into million pieces in the inside.. Have you thought about that?

Let just take a second at least to let that sink it in beautiful head of yours..

So? Has it sink it yet? (I hope it sink it, hahaha)

Life is already hard for everyone, even hard in life is different from everyone but let just not making it more difficult to others.. You know, when you judge other without you knowing or not, it can build that self doubt in some one's mind..

Maybe you may not recognise it faster enough, or realise it after you do it but if you do come to your sense, please, just please say something to them.. Say something that what you really mean and try to understand from their point of view too..

Especially when you get angry or sad you might say something you don't really mean it and eventually you regret it.. If you regret it then go to them and apologise don't just sit there and do nothing and just say I'm regret it, oh that's just b*llsh*t (sorry my language).. Then you don't really regret it if you don't do anything to change it.. You must heard this phrase a lot now; "action speaks louder than words", or something like that.. What you want to wait? Until when? Until the person is gone for good? And what can you do if you just say you regret and wait? You might get even more self doubts or stress.. They might hear it and might not but one thing I know, you will never know what will be their respond to you.. Aren't you curious? I read or hear it before, you rather regret that you doing something then regret that you doing nothing.. It's like you living in fear but you should be fear for not living your life..

The idea of this post is also come from my own self doubt just recently, like 1 hour ago I came to some sense and think I'm gonna put it in words.. As you know I loss someone that really impact me and have a very important roles in my life a couple years ago, she is not just my mother, but also my best friend.. I'm not a person who can really lie and as you all know, mother knows best and that's true.. When she's gone for good, it's actually add another trigger that made me, myself, a reason to self doubt.. I actually have a couple trigger and I'm kinda a person who hard to open up to people even with my closest one.. It's just I have this self conscious that I don't want to be a burden to them or add another problem/things for them, so mostly, I rather keep it myself and also let it out by myself in my own unique weird ways..

One of my self doubt is about my future relationship which make me think the worst every time I feel like I kinda get close to a guy.. I try my best not to but due my past experiences (from my point of view) I feel like I'm just gonna screw something up and then end up being ghosted or left alone.. Then it led to another one, which is kinda related, am I that bad? or can I do this? It end up asking myself again and again what should I do, am I doing it right? or am I gonna be let down again? or when will he run away?

To be continue.....